I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
