I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
