i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
