i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
