i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Me. At least after what I've been through.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
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just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
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He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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