like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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