I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
she told me i tasted like america
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
