I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
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Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
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You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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