Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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