Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
