you traded sex for a burrito?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
