Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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