I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
