So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
