Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i think i have herpe
just one?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
