yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
