nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The air was thick with penises
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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