Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
