I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
