The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
