Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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