my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
