I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
