I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
