I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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