the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
