I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
