this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
