Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
