new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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