The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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