I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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