So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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