I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
