What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
