I looked at my own cervix.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Randomize
