You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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