I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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