READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
