maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
