I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
