A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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