Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
