i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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