he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
