I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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