There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
