Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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