Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
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If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
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He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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