My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
