I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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