Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
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Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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