Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
