i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
