You can't special order awesome
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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