I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
