on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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