I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
